How to Honor Abusive Parents as a Christian: A Faith-Based Guide
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One of the first really difficult questions I had to explore as a faith based trauma therapist is “How do I honor an abusive parent?”. Sitting in the church it was often preached but I never really heard someone go into deep detail on what that would look like on a personal level, especially in abusive situations. Instead I often heard within the church “Accept their authority.” “Don’t talk back.” “Appreciating them and talking highly of them.”. Now this is a highly generalized but very common themes I would hear. But how on earth am I supposed to accept the authority of someone who is maybe physically, mentally, emotionally, or even worse sexually abusive? Well it just wouldn’t be safe! You know that and I know that, and yet, no one was having these conversations within the church. On the flip side, I was very much met within the mental health community resistance to the Christian idea of honoring parents, especially in abusive situations. “Cut them off!” “They abused you!” “They don’t deserve to be honored!” “You need to have strict boundaries!” I found myself caught in the middle of two extremes with very little dialogue or conversation trying to find the middle ground. One side demanding blind obedience to follow the faith and the other side calling for complete separation in order to heal. I knew neither side was helping individuals explore healthy ways to honor abusive parents. As a young therapist I felt so freaking lost, and I’m sure if you are reading this you are feeling the same way. I want to have a deep and honest conversation with you on what honoring an abusive parent can look like in your personal life or in the lives of your clients. In this article we will unpack what honoring a parent who does harm actually looks like from a healthy and biblical perspective that will be full of wisdom and compassion
If you liked this post and want to check out my self reflection journal prompt over this topic click here!
Table of Contents
- What does it mean to honor our parents? A Biblical perspective.
- Should Christians honor abusive parents? Wrestling with faith and reality.
- Honoring abusive parents and your own safety.
- Christian Ways to Honor Abusive Parents Without Staying in Toxic Relationships
- Final thoughts: Finding Grace, Healing and Wisdom in Pain.
What does it mean to honor our parents? A Biblical perspective.
The conversation of honoring our parents is seen throughout the entire bible. One of the most commonly known references is seen in the 10 commandments “Exodus 20:12 – Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”. But what does it truly mean to honor someone?
When looking at the original word “honor” in Exodus 20:12 is “kābēd” which means – to be heavy, to have weight, to be burdensome. Understanding this context helps us understand the importance God places on honoring our parents. God specifically chose your parents to be in a position of authority over you. Honoring our parents give a specific weight of importance and is a responsibility to treating them with a certain level of respect, seriousness, and appreciation for the position they uphold. Honor isn’t just the words we speak but also our daily actions. Its not only how we conduct ourselves but how we treat those around us, especially someone in a position that God emphasizes the significance of a role that carries so much weight.
Now although scripture is very clear on the importance of honoring our parents, we must also look at how it can be misunderstood. Honor doesn’t equate blind obedience, unconditional agreement, or continued access. Just as much as we feel the weight of honoring our parents, parents feel the weight of leading and teaching their children. And when parents are not operating in a manner that is honorable in the eyes of God’s it is important that we as Christians make sure everything we do is to honor our perfect parent, our Heavenly Holy Father!
True honor considers how to respond in a manner that upholds, respects, and redisplays God’s character. We are supposed to reflect the characteristics of Christ himself and to bear good fruit “Galatians 5:22–23 – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” . So honoring parents is a complex dynamic that takes a lot of time and effort reflecting on with the Lord. Because of this complexity it doesn’t mean that we ignore any harm that has occurred but instead requires us to operate in a manner that reflects the heart of Christ, full of grace, truth and wisdom!
Should Christians honor abusive parents? Wrestling with faith and reality.
Since we understand the significant importance God places on honoring our parents there is no doubt in my mind that it still applies to even abusive parents. Here is why, we see that Exodus 20:12 is the first commandment that has a promise from God tied to it. ….so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. I think that God knew that honoring parents in a fallen world would be difficult. To daily take up your cross and honor someone that may be making a mistake or even sinning against you. But I believe that is why we should try even more to honor parents, especially if they are abusive. God’s promise to give you a long life that is blessed is a beautiful gift that every child can receive whether or not they have a righteous parent or abusive one. If God knows every hair on your head and every tear you have shed He especially knows how hard you are trying to honor someone that may not display the characteristics of someone who deserves your honor. If this idea angers you I understand. Maybe there is a battle between heaven and hell going on in your brain thinking of how to grasp this idea. But if you feel they have taken so much from you already why let them take anymore blessings away from you? You can honor them in a way that not only strengthens your relationship with the Lord but also claim the promises God has made seen in Exodus 20:12. So, let’s look at a realistic way to honor abusive parents.
Honoring abusive parents and your own safety.
Now honoring abusive parents is going to be very unique to each person, but let us start with this. If our Creator has boundaries for how the planets intertwin with the sun and if there are boundaries for where the water begins and the sand ends you are allowed to have boundaries with your loved ones. Your safety is a top priority. If you are in danger, you do not need to tolerate the abuse of a parent. We cannot expect our parents to be perfect. They will of course have their own struggles and faults, but our God has never been the type to tolerate the abuse of position or power.
“2 Timothy 3:1-5 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”
Abuse is a sin that is not tolerable in the eyes of the Lord, and it is no one’s fault other than the abuser themselves. Is there a place for redemption? Anything is redeemable in the eyes of the Lord, but there are still consequences one must reap for their own actions. If in this passage Paul is very clear “have nothing to do with such people”, we can know that God wants us to be very clear on the boundaries we set with sin. If someone is actively causing harm, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually, it is not loving or wise to continue allowing them access to hurt you. We are not called to enable sin or remain in unsafe situations.
Depending on the difficulty within the relationship should be navigated carefully. For example, I am going to honor a parent who struggles with maybe substances differently than a parent who is physically or sexually abusive. Start by asking yourself “How can I operate within this relationship that would still allow me to honor our Heavenly Father to my highest capacity?” That may be only seeing that parent out in public. Maybe limited to short phone calls. It could even mean not having contact with them at all due to the gravity of their sins against you. Whatever boundaries you agree upon between you and the Lord, make sure you will be able to display the heart of Christ.
Christian Ways to Honor Abusive Parents Without Staying in Toxic Relationships
- Prayer
Prayer can be hard at first, but I truly believe that it is a way to show God you are doing your absolute best, given a horrible situation. God see your heart, and the fact that you are praying for someone that has caused so much harm is so honorable in not only my eyes, but God’s eyes as well. ( Luke 6:27–28 (NIV) “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” )
- Honoring Your Heavenly Father
I can think of no greater way to honor your earthly parents than by living for our perfect Father! In a perfect world with perfect earthly parents that would be the ultimate goal and desire for our parents. Although it is painful, I know that God can pick up the slack where our earthly parents may have dropped the ball. He was there for every school and sporting event. He is wonderfully patient and kind, even when we do not deserve it. He is there at our darkest hour to weep with us and to correct us when we are going astray. So, another fantastic way to honor our parents is to prioritize your relationship with our Lord, Jesus Christ.
- Ending the Cycle
The abusive cycle can stop with you. More times than not I see that abuse can be generational trauma, but it does not have to continue with you. Allow God to heal the pain those experiences caused and allow Him to show you a healthier and more righteous way to live. God is not calling you to be perfect. You will make mistakes. However, whenever there is damage within your relationship with your children you will have the opportunity that maybe your parents did not take – to repair the damage that way done. Lean on God’s truth and He will show you how to navigate every situation that arises.
- Speaking Truth
You do not need to lie about your situation. What you have gone through does not mean you need to be silent. Our first priority as Christians is to always speak truth. That always means hard truths sometimes. It sometimes requires uncomfortable conversations that may prefer to ignore or keep quiet. However, if we are not careful ignoring sin can allow it to spread and grow. Speaking truth through grace is critical. However, we must be mindful not to confuse truth with slander. You can speak truth that can also be honoring to not only your parents, yourself, but to our Holy Father.
Final thoughts: Finding Grace, Healing and Wisdom in Pain
Honor abusive parents is a complex and difficult topic – but the fact that you are here attempting to wrestle with it shows your heart posture before the Lord. Do not go into this trying to get everything right or perfect, so take that pressure off. Leave perfection to our Heavenly Father and take it one step at a time. This is not an easy topic to navigate and Christ understands that. There will be great victories and major failures, but at the end of the day the thing that matters is that you are trying to deepen your relationship with the Lord. You are attempting to tackle Goliath right now which seems pretty overwhelming, but take a deep breath. With each step God will show you the perfect path given your circumstances and life.
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Don’t forget to check out my faith based self reflection journal prompt over this topic click here!
Sierra Stratman MSW LMSW U/S PhD Student at Liberty University