How To Forgive The Unforgivable – A Christian Therapist Perspective 

BySierra
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As a therapist I have often heard from the secular world, “Forgiveness is toxic. You don’t need to forgive in order to heal.” As a Christian, I have repeatedly heard this statement and it frustrates me. It lack the cultural competence of understand the culture and core values of the Christian faith. Forgiveness is the foundation of the Christian faith. Christ forgave everything, even the unimaginable sins of this world. And we are called to replicate the behaviors of Christ Himself.

Forgiveness is not something that is easy. It can even be a slow process. Often times when intentional unimaginable pain is inflicted on someone, it is crucial that we not only help that individual forgive in a way that is honorable to God but also one’s bodily autonomy. Secular therapy doesn’t believe it at times, however you can practice forgiveness in a healthy way. 

But how do we forgive ones that do the unforgivable? Let’s break it down! 

What is forgiveness ? 

Forgiveness is the intentional act of letting go of resentment, anger, and desire for revenge towards someone that has caused intentional pain or harm towards oneself. 

Forgiveness is not giving someone a “get out of jail free card”. It is not ignoring the actions to repair the relationship. It’s not praying for someone’s downfall. It is not forgetting the pain. It is not excusing or condoning the actions. 

Forgiveness is letting go of the pain that was inflicted against you, whether or not they are worthy of forgiveness. As a Christian, Forgiveness is the opportunity to allow God to now only heal you, but also entrusting Him to take care of the injustice. 

Romans 12:19 (NIV)

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

Who Should I Forgive? 

But should I have to forgive my abuser? Someone who sexually, or physically, or mentally abused me? What about my bully? Family members who have caused the family to break up? The person who recked havoc in my life? The one who completely broke my trust, when all I gave them was my love? 

Here’s the hard truth: Forgiveness isn’t something they deserve, it’s something God invites you into for your healing.

But stay with me. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what they did was okay.

It doesn’t mean you trust them again.

It doesn’t mean you have to stay close to them.

It means you are releasing the burden of justice to God, because He alone handles injustice perfectly. Their actions are not the only thing causing you pain. I often think back to the story of Joseph. His dreams stirred so much jealousy in his brothers that they sold him into slavery. Yet the very thing that led him into suffering (his dreams) is the same thing God later used to save entire nations from starvation. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if Joseph had allowed unforgiveness or bitterness to take over. But what the enemy intended for destruction, God transformed for His glory, using Joseph to preserve life on a massive scale.

The Cost of Unforgiveness

God doesn’t want us to carry unforgiveness because it takes a serious toll on our mind, body, and spirit. He never designed our hearts to hold onto bitterness or to replay old wounds. When we cling to offenses, it quietly drains our emotional strength and even impacts our physical health. Unforgiveness becomes a hidden weight we weren’t created to bear, affecting how we think, how we feel, and even how our bodies function. Its effects show up in two major areas of our lives:

The Mental Toll of Unforgiveness

• Persistent anger and resentment

• Increased anxiety and worry

• Higher risk of depression

• Difficulty concentrating and decision-making

• Rumination and intrusive thoughts

• Emotional exhaustion and burnout

The Physical Cost of Unforgiveness

• Increased stress and cortisol levels, which can affect heart health and blood pressure

• Higher risk of heart attack and stroke

• Weakened immune function, leading to more infections

• Greater anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts

• Poor sleep and fatigue

• Chronic muscle tension and pain

Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

How Do I Forgive? 

Sometimes forgiveness comes easily. Other times, forgiveness can be a daily act. Some days it can be easy but other days can feel like a war between heaven and hell. However, we can take healthy practical steps to guide us no matter the circumstances. Here are four steps you can use to navigate forgiveness in your own life.

1) Acknowledging The Wounds

Getting a deeper understanding of the pain that has been inflicted in your life and understanding how it has impacted who you are today.

  • What hurt occurred?
  • How has it shaped the way you see yourself, others, or God?
  • What emotions (anger, grief, confusion) need to be honored?

This step is not about blaming. It is about honesty. Jesus repeatedly invited people to bring their pain into the light before healing took place.

2) Understanding The Pain

In this step, you will be getting a deeper understanding of what forgiveness looks like in your day to day life. You will take the time to explore what boundaries to accept or to reject according to safety and sanity in your daily life.

Forgiveness does not mean:

  • excusing harmful behavior
  • reconciling immediately
  • removing boundaries
  • pretending the wound no longer matters

In this step, you explore what healthy boundaries look like. Ask:

  • What do I need for safety and sanity?
  • Is reconciliation wise or possible?
  • Am I avoiding reconciliation due to my own resentment?
  • How can I release resentment without returning to unsafe patterns?

This acknowledges that forgiveness and trust are not the same.

3) Take Action

During this phase, you will take time to challenge your perspective. How can you view the situation in a more positive light? Again this does not dismiss the injustice you have obtained from this experience. However, finding how to view the situation from a healthier lens in order to progress forward and release any pain and resentment.

This is the heart of the process: the intentional release of the debt.
Some questions that help:

  • What would it look like to let go of carrying this pain alone?
  • How might compassion for yourself, and perhaps eventually for the other person change the way you view the situation?
  • What might God be inviting you to surrender?

This is not about pretending the injustice wasn’t real. It’s about loosening the grip that the pain has on your soul so you can move toward freedom.

4) Moving Forward

This step is the final step, which requires one to continue to decrease the negative emotions surrounding the situation. This can be done by finding the meaning behind the experience or identifying the various ways one has grown through the difficulty of said situation.

Forgiveness becomes deeper over time.
This stage may include:

  • noticing a decrease in anger or intensity
  • seeing how God has met you in the pain
  • discovering strength, maturity, or clarity you gained
  • finding meaning in the journey
  • praying for continued healing

Forgiveness does not erase the past, but it can transform your future.

Closing Thoughts

I cannot emphasis enough that forgiveness is a daily act. Unforgiveness steals so much joy from your life. You can miss out on the many blessings God has to offer by closing your heart to unforgiveness. God understands the weight of those persons actions. And by calling you to forgive He is not asking you to put yourself in unsafe situations or ignoring the pain of the situation. It can come easy in some situations, but can feel like your pulling your own teeth in others. The tasks of forgiving the unforgivable is the act of a saint. God sees you wrestling between your flesh and spirit. He sees how hard you are trying and the pain you are carrying. I know that He is so proud of you.

Remember where you came from. You weren’t lifted to this moment from a mountaintop, you were raised out of valleys darker than this. God brought you through before, and He will bring you through the journey of forgiveness as well. Don’t treat the pain someone inflicted as a curse you must live under. That person has already taken enough from your life, so don’t let that wound define your future. With grace, support, and the gentle healing of Christ, forgiveness can help you reclaim the blessings God intends for you.

PSALM 140:12 NIV
“I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy.“

Further Resources

Many of you have been requesting additional resources that can help further your personal mental health walk. Below I have link various books and journals by Lysa TerKeurst that furthers the conversation around this topic!

By Lysa TerKeurst

Disclaimer

Disclaimer: I am a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW), but I am not your therapist. The information provided in this list of further resources is for educational and informational purposes only. Mention of these books does not constitute a therapist-client relationship, nor is it intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read here.

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I’ve also included a mental health devotional titled “What the Enemy Meant for Harm,” which explores Joseph’s story and the power of forgiveness.

If you have any topics you would like me to cover please leave a comment, you might just inspire my next blog post. I hope you all have the best and most blessed day ever!

Sierra Stratman MSW LMSW U/S PhD Student At Liberty University

WhattheEnemyMeantforHarmDownload

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